Since marrying Xie Linzhuo, I have never had a single day of leisure.
Before the age of five, he was the most favoured prince in the entire imperial city. But as his maternal family was implicated in the treason case of the King of the Eastern Sea, the entire family was exiled, never to return to court. His birth mother, Consort Rou, was abandoned by the late emperor and hanged herself in her palace. In an instant, he fell from the clouds into the mud, becoming a useless prince whom anyone could bully. He had no favour, nor did he have the support of an influential maternal family. To survive, Xie Linzhuo pretended to be crippled with a broken leg for many years.
When it came time for him to marry, the other princes' consorts were all daughters of high-ranking officials. Only he was casually betrothed by the late emperor to me, the concubine's daughter of a declining clan.
Since childhood, I had been my legitimate older sister's playmate. If she was well, the whole family was happy. If she was not, I was the scapegoat, from childhood to adulthood. I never had a single day of peace and comfort. I even slept with my heart in my throat, constantly terrified that my sister might be displeased with something.
When I learned I was to marry the most useless seventh prince, I could not help but feel joy. I knew he had a difficult life, but it did not matter. I knew the pain of being beaten, scolded and bullied. I knew the despair of shattered dignity. I knew the misery of having no one to protect me. I would do my best to draw closer to him, to love and understand each other.
But I never expected that Xie Linzhuo also understood me. On our wedding night, I sat upright and in perfect order. He personally lifted my veil and took off my phoenix crown, then handed me a bowl of peanut sweet soup.
"Don't worry. I am here for everything. We will live a good life together."
Dressed in his bright red wedding robes, Xie Linzhuo was handsome, elegant and gentle as jade. With just one look, my heart was filled with joy.
In addition to personally taking care of his daily life, I also devised plans to rescue him from his predicaments, and even risked my life to save him multiple times. When he led troops to fight the enemy in Yun City and the provisions were delayed for a long time, I went as far as to sell my dowry to gather supplies and personally escorted them to him.
At that time, he had eyes only for me. Amidst the swirling snow of the borderland, inside the dilapidated tent, he held my frostbitten feet in his hands and swore with tears in his eyes, "A-Yuan, I will never fail you in this lifetime."
Because of this oath, even when he led his troops to retake the capital, I willingly used myself as bait so he could wipe out the remaining factions of the fourth and sixth princes in one fell swoop. From then on, he rose like a dragon taking to the water, with a smooth path ahead.
Yet even a vow made at a freezing frontier, where water turns to ice, easily dissipates when encountering the most beautiful flower in the capital.
In March of the following year, I returned to the Jiang family home to pay my respects to my father. Xie Linzhuo returned to the capital and secretly came to the Jiang house to pick me up, only to see my innocent and pure legitimate elder sister playing on a swing in the garden. He fell in love with her at first sight and wiped out all affection he had for me in a single stroke.
By that time, Xie Linzhuo had already established his power. My father and my legal mother both said he was the fated one my sister had been waiting for. I refused to believe it. But on the day of his coronation, Xie Linzhuo instated my sister as the empress, while only making me the noble consort. And in front of the whole world, he declared that my sister Jiang Shuying was the love of his life and that he would never hold another imperial selection or take any more concubines.
Like a young boy experiencing love for the first time, he said to me self-consciously, "That day, as I watched Ying'er standing on the swing, asking her maids to push her higher and higher, so vibrant, bright and untouched by the world, I realized she is everything people like us yearn for. The world and human hearts change easily, but only Ying'er remains forever pure. I want to protect her for the rest of my life."
My heart was filled with bitterness. "Linzhuo, what about me? You want a lifetime with her, so where do I belong?"
Xie Linzhuo's expression shifted several times and he spoke with an apology on his lips. "A-Yuan, Ying'er is innocent and simple. Only the position of empress can protect her from being looked down upon by others. You have always been sensible, so please settle for being the noble consort."
"All right."
Seeing me remain silent, he added anxiously, "Don't worry. Xuan'er's position as crown prince is absolutely secure."
Only a few days after my sister moved into Jiaofang Palace, Xie Linzhuo came to see me again, asking me to manage the affairs of the six palaces.
"Ying'er is simple-minded and cannot scheme against others, but you are well practised in it."
Now that he had become the emperor above tens of thousands, he began to disdain me for being scheming.
"The court ministers do not yet know of the empress's situation. To the outside world, you will only say that the empress is kind-hearted and simply cannot be bothered with managing affairs."
While trampling on my reputation, he did not forget to protect the reputation of my legitimate elder sister. He left immediately after saying this, not seeing my deathly pale face.
And just like that, in my position as noble consort, I managed the affairs of the imperial harem for three years, but without the proper title or the emperor's favour. Others only said the noble consort was domineering and power-hungry, while my legitimate sister was the empress and held His Majesty's exclusive favour, yet was so oppressed by the noble consort that she could not manage the harem.
Several wives of the dukes and generals who were on good terms with me came to the palace specifically to see me. I could only smile bitterly.