By the time the officer on duty, the second young master of the Duke of Ju's household, arrived, I heard myself murmur, "No need. There is no need anymore."
That day, holding the tiny Xuan'er, I sat at Xuanwu Gate from dusk till dawn, from heavy rain until the sky cleared up. Finally, Xie Linzhuo arrived, wearing his imperial robes.
I looked at this man I had once loved so deeply. He possessed the bearing of a dragon and phoenix, noble and extremely precious. Right now his face was filled with grief, and his eyes as he looked at me were full of guilt and heartache. But I only wanted to pounce on him, bite him, and curse him. Why did he have to treat Xuan'er and me this way?
Yet I could only keep my eyes wide open, dry of tears, as I pulled his hand to touch Xuan'er, who had burned to death in my arms.
"Look. What is wrong with Xuan'er? Why is he ignoring me?"
Xie Linzhuo posthumously honoured Xuan'er as the crown prince, burying him with the protocols befitting a crown prince. The imperial court suspended its sessions for ten days. He was accorded the grandest funerary honours.
During those ten days, he did not return to my eldest sister's Jiaofang Palace. Whenever he had a spare moment, he would come to my quarters. I refused to eat or drink, remained silent, and eventually fainted. He held my hand and watched over me by my bedside the entire time. Seeing me wake up, his face filled with joy, just like when I fell ill before his ascension to the throne. Back then, he had also guarded my side like this until dawn, and his eyes would shine with pure happiness upon seeing me wake. The man standing before me at this moment seemed no different from the man he was back then.
"When Xuan'er was gravely ill, I pounded on the doors in the middle of the night, but could not get a single imperial physician. Is this matter just going to be let go?"
I spoke my first words in all these days. The joy on Xie Linzhuo's face froze.
"The maids and older servants who were guarding the gate that night have been sentenced to death by execution."
"What about exterminating their entire clans? Guilty."
He avoided my eyes as I stared at him.
"That night, Ying'er felt anxious and had heart palpitations. I stayed with her and we both took some calming medicine, so we fell asleep early. The sound of the rain was too loud. Nanny Wang is advanced in years and hard of hearing, and Lanniang nodded off, so she didn't hear anything either. Besides, Ying'er truly cannot do without the two of them. A-Yuan, I grieve deeply for Xuan'er's death as well, but we will have many more children in the future. I promise you."
So this was the explanation he gave me. The explanation he gave to his deceased child.
Perhaps he was afraid I would press him further. Or perhaps his remaining conscience made him feel guilty and ashamed. He did not dare to look at me again. He said there were still state affairs to attend to in the court, told me to rest well, and hastily departed, leaving me with only the sight of his retreating back.
I cried and then laughed, laughed and then cried again, fainting and waking repeatedly. I became like a wooden puppet, unable to speak or smile, only silently packing and sorting through Xuan'er's belongings day after day.
This continued until Xuan'er's body had lain in state for half a month. He issued an imperial decree to bury Xuan'er in the imperial mausoleum currently under construction for him. That night, I clutched the front of Xie Linzhuo's robes and wept aloud. He held me in his arms and whispered words of comfort, his tone so sorrowful it seemed genuine.
"Sister, why are you crying?"
Holding a clay figurine, my legitimate elder sister poked her head in from the doorway. Seeing Xie Linzhuo holding me, she came pattering inside. With a look of displeasure, she pried Xie Linzhuo's arms off me and wrapped herself around his arm like a vine, glaring at me defensively.
"He is mine. You're not allowed to touch him."
She then dragged Xie Linzhuo toward the door. "You haven't played with me for days."
Xie Linzhuo looked back at me, his face full of apology. "Ying'er still has the mind of a child. I'll come back after I take her home."
That night, Xie Linzhuo naturally did not return.
The next day, I fell ill and was confined to bed, groggy and unable to eat or drink. Xie Linzhuo rushed over in a hurry after court. Hearing the imperial physician say my excessive grief had damaged my lungs and that I needed a slow recovery, he gave the physician a fierce, inexplicable scolding, probably because of a guilty conscience.
I kept my eyes closed as he pulled me into his chest and whispered apologies to me.
"I'm sorry."
What use was an apology? My Xuan'er would never come back.
Furthermore, the servants of Jiaofang Palace had all come from the Jiang family. They were trained by my legal mother for over a decade, specifically to serve my sister as she grew up. I had pounded on that door for so long. How could not a single soul have heard me?
It took immense willpower for me to swallow my resentment and anger, forcing myself to lean into his embrace. He let out a soft sigh of relief and fell asleep holding me.
Look at that. My child's father has already forgiven himself and is already beginning to forget him.
My devotion was misplaced. I was willing to accept my loss, but I was not born to be cheap and lowly. A mere man is not worth me being trampled to this extent.
My eyes were completely dry, staring at the pattern of auspicious clouds and cranes on the canopy. When dawn broke, I closed the palace gates to recuperate, asking nothing of palace affairs and ignoring all palace matters. When Xie Linzhuo came, I claimed illness and refused to see him. After a few times, he stopped coming. He only sent rewards from time to time.
On this day, when I woke from my afternoon nap, the Duchess of Ju came to see me.
"Sister Shu and Sister Li both wanted to come and see Your Grace, but we knew your place is in a sensitive position right now, so I took the liberty of coming alone. Your Highness has lost quite a bit of weight."
My place here has become so quiet and deserted, yet she still remembered me and came. I felt a warmth in my heart.
"I am much better now. Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts."
"Your ladyship must still take care of yourself. While there is life, there is hope. Those of us from the various households all know how difficult things have been for you."
The Duchess of Ju leaned forward. "Our families are all feeling quite anxious in our hearts."
The families of the Duke of Ju, the Duke of Zhao, the General of Agile Cavalry and the General Who Guards the North are all old loyalists who have followed Xie Linzhuo since his days at the pre-imperial residence. Now that even I, his first wife, have fallen to such a state, it is no wonder they are feeling anxious and uneasy.
I could offer no words of comfort and could only manage a bitter smile.